BREAKING: Rafa Benitez to take over at Liverpool, Chelsea

May 21, 2013 § Leave a comment

In a move that will shake the foundations of English football to the very … er, foundations, Liverpool and Chelsea have announced that next season they will both be coached by Rafael Benitez.

The move will see Benitez assume a position as “coach-in-chief” over the two clubs. Brendan Rodgers will continue to take charge of day-to-day affairs at Anfield, while noted Benitez confidant Jose Mourinho will work under the Spaniard at Stamford Bridge. When asked how he felt about Benitez being, in effect, his boss, Mourinho responded with his usual mordant wit: “I’ll kill David Moyes,” he said, “I’ll kill him with fire.”

Rodgers was more sanguine: “As a great man once told himself this morning in the mirror while shaving, the only thing I owe myself is to be the best myself my self can be, and to be the best for Liverpool Football Club FC, and the city, moving forwards, ouch, ah, oooh, I’ve cut myself there.”

The revolutionary move follows Chelsea’s victory in the European Plate, a triumph that has seen Benitez reconciled to fans who had spent much of the season waving poorly-spelled A4 protest signs at his face. While their hostility was well-founded – this is a man, after all, who shot Bambi, and who had previously described celery as “stupid” – it was the rapprochement that followed the lifting of the trophy that gave the club the idea.

“We follow social media very carefully,” said Chelsea media officer Felicity Parvenu, “and we were delighted and amazed to see Liverpool fans and Chelsea fans, who normally circle one another like cobras and mongooses, or mongeese, or whatever, actually getting along. A Liverpool fan would tweet ‘told you so rafa forever #comehoem #dignity #class #ynwa’, and a Chelsea fan would reply ‘fair dos well happy #fatspanishwaiterftw’. Then they’d have a conversation about Yossi Benayoun. It was heartwarming.”

There are, of course, details to be ironed out. It is not clear, for example, who will have the last say over team selection, or priority when managing from the touchline. As for the conflict of interests when the two teams play one another, Benitez plans to divide his time between the two. “For the first half, I will attempt to secure a lead for the home team. Then for the second, I will attempt to get the away team back into the game. And for the return fixture, the same, but the opposite.” Further details of inter-club cooperation are yet to be confirmed, but it is understood that half-and-half plastic flags are being planned, and that Benitez’s official blazer will sport a hybrid of the two badges: a lion eating a liver bird, which is in turn pecking out the big cat’s eyes.

Other clubs are to be looking into similar arrangements. Swansea manager Michael Laudrup is believed to have been approached by literally every other club in league, in the hope of capturing some of that dreamy jawline, while it appears that Newcastle have sent an email to Chris Hughton: “Re: We Appear To Have Made A Terrible Mistake”. David Moyes, however, has ruled out the possibility of combing the Everton job with his new responsibilities at Manchester United. “I don’t zink zat would be ze right move for zis club, no question about zat,” he told the press, while new director Alex Ferguson sat next to him, drinking a glass of water.


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