BREAKING: Rafa Benitez to take over at Liverpool, Chelsea

In a move that will shake the foundations of English football to the very … er, foundations, Liverpool and Chelsea have announced that next season they will both be coached by Rafael Benitez.

League cup can be catalyst for Liverpool

First published on ESPN, 24 February 2012

For clubs with aspirations to compete at the upper end of the Premier League, the league cup has, in recent years, been a curious mix of opportunity and distraction. General convention dictates that they pick teams heavy on youth, a policy that arguably reached its apogee when an Arsenal side with an average outfield age of 20 demolished Liverpool 6-3 in 2007. (Though even then Julio Baptista, a not-particularly coltish 25 at the time, scored four of the Gunners’ goals.) While ostensibly a chance to give youth its head, the none-too-subtle implication is that the league cup revolves around learning rather than winning; the big boys are busy with the big business elsewhere.

Liverpool and United: Where they stand

First published on ESPN, 27 January 2012

As far as “random” FA Cup draws go, the fourth round had an almost comical inevitability about it. With scant regard for the nerves of police officers across Merseyside and greater Manchester — not to mention more than a few blazered men in Wembley offices — out came ball No. 26, and then: No. 3.

And so it came to pass that Manchester United would return to Anfield less than a month after an FA-appointed independent panel concluded that Luis Suarez had, more likely than not, made derogatory reference to the color of Patrice Evra‘s skin. Cursed are the Football Association, for they live in interesting times. 

Welcome To Football, Where You Are Not What You Do

First published on SB NATION, 3 January 2012

Before we begin, a warning, for those of you with delicate sensibilities, or are simply bored of the whole thing. This piece is about, in part, the report of the independent committee convened by the FA into the allegations that Luis Suárez racially abusedPatrice Evra. It is NOT a piece about whether the decision of that panel was correct, or whether the FA are biased against you, or you, or any of that clattering, dispiriting nonsense. Plenty of that elsewhere on the internet.

Yesterday, Frank Lampard should have been sent off, for a dangerous and reckless challenge on Wolves’ Adam Hammill. He wasn’t. Subsequent to this, the incident was replayed on Match of the Day, and while there was general agreement that Lampard had been lucky, one of the Vacant Alans — I forget which, but I suspect Shearer — noted, sagely and predictably, that “he’s not that kind of player”.

Luis Suarez And The Finger Of Blame

First published on SB NATION, 8 December 2011

One thing is certain. Wherever Luis Suarez ends up in the great and confusing tapestry of English football, whether he be stitched in as the light-footed genius who ledLiverpool back to their self-appointed rightful place at the top of the tree, or the oddity who didn’t score as many goals as he probably should have done and left for Inter Milan under a cloud after a couple of years, or the first player ever to be banned for eating a corner flag, he’s been an absolute godsend for anybody who writes about football. And as we all know, that’s the most important thing.

The Week That Was

I do still find it slightly disappointing that his first name isn’t Edison.

The Week That Was

There’s no Clasico next week. This is extremely sad-making. But we must make do. 

Wake up

Football is full of vacant concepts, bastard phrases referring to little and signifying less. Sometimes these are straightforward impossibilities: consider “England midfield” or “Portuguese striker”. Other times, they feel like they should be actual things, but are comical in their futility. “Gentlemen’s agreement”, perhaps, or “long-term contract”. But there can be few as depressingly useless as what is now brewing in Newcastle, the “fans’ backlash” against the plans to rename St. James’ Park as “Sports Direct Arena”.

Swan Songs #8: Liverpool 0-0 Swansea

by Maxwell Kuhl

“For Vorm”

Let them come and have their day
and by my hands and feet and heart

Through Gritted Teeth #36: Craig Bellamy

by Ian King

The scene was Molineux, Wolverhampton, on the 5th of January 2003. The Third Round of the FA Cup was reaching its conclusion, and the television cameras were focussing their unyielding gaze upon the match between Wolverhampton Wanderers and Newcastle United. It was a match that was ripe for an upset of some description. The atmosphere at Molineux – even though, with its open corners and one stand twenty or so yards from the pitch, it is hardly designed for it – can be fearsome for such matches. At the time, it had been getting close to twenty years since Wolves had last played in the top division of English football and every match against higher opposition was an opportunity for the club to prove its credentials, having spent much of the previous decade labouring under the “sleeping giant” label applied to it by the press after Jack Hayward, the “Golden Tit”, first pointed his udders in the direction of a place in the Premier League.